Even today, there are times of feeling unsure of myself in public settings. For the most part I feel comfortable with my friends in A.A., but I still find myself watching others to see if I am doing things correctly. I had years and years of expecting a tap on the shoulder and the question “What are you doing here?” But right, wrong or indifferent I am sober, I am in the process of change and growth, and I am one of God’s children – that is who I have always been intended to be. I am just another Woman In Recovery Every Day, I am just another sober alcoholic, I am just exactly who I am!
I work towards this goal of being just who I am, without pretense or the old behavior of ‘people pleasing.’ It is not always easy to be brave enough to be myself, regardless of how others react. I have learned through the Alcoholics Anonymous program that it is very important that I make every attempt to express myself, just as I am. I spent years and years emulating the behavior of others with the false hope of changing myself. It did not work. I tried to be “one of the group” and said yes to things that begged for a no, and conversely no to things that needed a yes. In recovery I am learning to check myself when others ask something of me; do I want to do it (whatever “it” is), does it afford me the ability to be true to myself, or does it require a risk that I’m unwilling to take? There are many questions when it comes to relationships.