The Power to be ME

I work towards this goal of being just who I am, without pretense or the old behavior of ‘people pleasing.’  It is not always easy to be brave enough to be myself, regardless of how others react.  I have learned through the Alcoholics Anonymous program that it is very important that I make every attempt to express myself, just as I am.  I spent years and years emulating the behavior of others with the false hope of changing myself.  It did not work.  I tried to be “one of the group” and said yes to things that begged for a no, and conversely no to things that needed a yes.  In recovery I am learning to check myself when others ask something of me; do I want to do it (whatever “it” is), does it afford me the ability to be true to myself, or does it require a risk that I’m unwilling to take?  There are many questions when it comes to relationships.

Even today, there are times of feeling unsure of myself in public settings.  For the most part I feel comfortable with my friends in A.A., but I still find myself watching others to see if I am doing things correctly.  I had years and years of expecting a tap on the shoulder and the question “What are you doing here?”  But right, wrong or indifferent I am sober, I am in the process of change and growth, and I am one of God’s children – that is who I have always been intended to be.  I am just another Woman In Recovery Every Day, I am just another sober alcoholic, I am just exactly who I am!

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12 thoughts on “The Power to be ME

  1. I am Jay and I am an alcoholic . I truly feel that I am exactly who I should be and really live in the moment. I don’t have masks or booze to hide behind. I don’t pretend to be something to fit in. I love people and people love me. It is wonderful but …but…. my emotions have been roller coasting a lot lately … since sobriety started 8 years ago I have learned that this happens at times , life is good life is bad. 20 some years ago I did have a gun in my hand but because of a abused animal in my care and some divine intervention I put the gun down and never thought crazy thoughts again . My Brother in law killed himself last year while still a practicing alcoholic … a year ago I could not understand how some one could even do that . My mood swings of late has given me some insight to how that might happen and it scares the crap out of me .

    • Thank you for sharing Jaybird. I nearly jumped off a building as an active alki. I had a cell phone, made a call, and my Mom picked up the phone. I am here today. Grateful to be sober and for the fellowship that reminds me to stay connected with my HP and the fellowship. Peace

  2. October 3
    Grapevine Quote
    “My understanding of a Higher Power is still subject to shifts. Sometimes, I think of it as The Unknowable, or as The Great What Is. Often, I envision it as an indifferent force, something like an electrical current, that is available to all living things and from which human beings can derive strength and generosity and acceptance. The one thing I feel sure of is that it’s more powerful than my will.”
    New York, N.Y., May 1999
    “Sunlight and Air,”
    Sober and Out

    This reflection which in my opinion amounts to a meditation invites us to use our imagination to explore the depths of understanding of our higher power concept.
    For me if I follow the impetus of my imagination always towards positive and creative, awesome and beautiful and yes, utmost, then I am arriving.
    As I come to believe that he has always abided and is constantly invited to abide with me………
    Perhaps one day I may say, ‘I have arrived’. 🙂

  3. Being sober and reasonably happy, joyous and free doesn’t exempt me from an occasional foray into the dark night of the soul. Being connected to a Higher Power and a host of sober friends, and allowing myself to be open with them gets me through to the light on the other side of the darkness.
    Thank God.

  4. Is it odd or is it god?! My daughter is in the hospital for attempting suicide. She’s dealing with Post Partum depression, exhaustion and found herself at 2am Thursday morning with a knife in her hand.
    Long story short, I’m so grateful that she is in the hands of the professionals and not me. I’ve tried advising her but I’ve also discovered that that is not a healthy way to help someone who is in far more despair than I imagined. Its also not healthy for me! I haven’t been to a meeting all week, and thats not good. I need to take care of myself. Sleep has been very limited, eating,way off, and its mine and Fordys wedding anniversary today! That fact has brought me back to my limitations and the need for me to take care of myself first.
    Jay…good to hear from you. I’m on the roller coaster with you my friend. One day at a time and faith in hat Higher Power!
    Love you guys

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