I believe I have led myself into shame immediately following anything that caused me to have feelings of guilt. If I did something wrong, I automatically assumed it was because I was a “defective person,” instead of just acknowledging the wrong behavior. I did not separate the two, and therefore spent many hours berating myself when I should have been berating the behavior. Correcting my behaviors has been the beginning of my rejection of shame and self-doubt. I make mistakes, I am not a mistake.
During my drinking years there were many “opportunities” for shame, as I woke up quite often in places that I would not have been in, had I been sober. And there were many instances of waking to people who were strangers, to say the least, and strange in many ways to say the most. Sometimes I am absolutely amazed to find that I lived through those times of putting myself in jeopardy with people who were circumspect and who were as unconcerned about my safety as my drunken self. Today – I try to keep myself safe, I know who my companions are, I take care of myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am not ashamed of me, I am not ashamed of who I am, where I am, and what I am. I work on changing my behaviors and accepting myself just as I am, just as God made me. I am good enough, I am one of God’s children, I am just another human being, flawed, but constantly working to improve both myself and my world. I stand in my truth!!! HUGS