Coming to terms with my drinking, and the fact of my disease, took a long time, for me. Admitting my powerlessness was only possible when I came to accept a Higher Power, a power greater than me – and greater than my disease. I was full of fear, initially, and was very unsure about the results of “letting go.” I was at the “jumping off place” early in my recovery. Everything I had tried, had failed – what did I have to lose? I came to a place where I heard a voice, (mine as it turned out) say “God, help me.” Everything in my world changed after that. I also think that was the moment that my faith was “born.” I found that if I could just let go of the “reins” a little, and give up the idea that I had to do it all, that all those “things” I thought were mine to do, got done – anyway. I learned to quit volunteering for everything, I had to bring my focus closer to home – to my recovery, and not to the continuation of the Program – that was not for me to do – that’s when I got the message about A.A. being a “we” program. I had to let go of my need to control. Manageability came to me, once I let go of thinking I was all that and a bag of chips.
Today, I can release control to others, I can share the responsibility with others, I don’t have to be the “big shot” all the time. I can work on my side of the street and have quit trying to do it all – my recovery is my business. The recovery of others is their business. Just trying to manage my own life is enough for me to do. When I break it down to that I find I can handle my life a lot better – and still even better than that is when I allow my Higher Power, God, to guide me, and help me to know that I can trust the path I’m on, I can trust the Program to work for me, and I can trust my God to continue teaching me about life, about recovery and about this thing we call serenity.