Lower Than Low

Incomprehensible demoralization is a mouthful. But I have known anguish, crushing shame, and a yearning for death. I have seen walls moving toward me from every angle, trapping me in a collapsing world. I have heard my own blood pounding in my ears from panic and terror. There is no pain or sorrow in sobriety that is as dark, cutting and relentless as in the bottom of my drinking. Today I recognize my feelings and can evaluate them. My mind listens and responds. AA restores my sanity, and in doing so, creates a harness that draws me back up anytime my emotions travel too far down the ravine. Thanks to this Program, I no longer go lower than low.


7 thoughts on “Lower Than Low

  1. My soul rests with you, my Anamchara

    We often speak of balance for lots of us are so scattered in our endeavors and discipline that we overdo in one area and literally under do or don’t do in others. But for me the most glaring deficit is the extreme anxiety when it just seems I am overwhelmed by all that I want to do. You might say that I am a compulsive overachiever so that’s where it seems to me I need the most help.
    As I have often spoken of before and I don’t hesitate to acknowledge I am acutely and abidingly aware that I have been blessed beyond what I would call reason in so many respects that I am awestruck by this awareness. You see, I went for so long without appreciating the goodness of constant blessing which was occurring.
    It’s still occurring. The mere fact that I am still living coming near to my 84th birthday is always in eye-opener. Also in spite of all the risky situations I put myself in while in the throes of alcoholism I am still living – indeed only by grace.

    Back to balance and once again sharing a morning resolve, a daily resolution:

    A Morning Resolve
    I will try this day to live a simple, sincere and serene life, repelling promptly every thought of discontent, anxiety, discouragement, impurity, and self-seeking; cultivating cheerfulness, magnanimity, charity, and the habit of holy silence; exercising economy in expenditure, generosity in giving, carefulness in conversation, diligence in appointed service, fidelity to every trust, and a childlike faith in God.

    In particular I will try to be faithful in those habits of prayer, work, study, physical exercise (play), eating, and sleep which I believe the Holy Spirit has shown me to be right.

    And as I cannot in my own strength do this, nor even with a hope of success attempt it, I look to thee, O Lord God my Father, in Jesus my Savior, and ask for the gift of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

    This is pretty simple to me.
    I ask for and depend on divine guidance.
    I realize I can stick to this or any other resolution for very long on my own doings.
    I look to God of my understanding for the daily strength I need.

    I’m Harry, grateful alcoholic and devoted 12th stepper. – Georgia, US of A.

    A spiritual experience can be the realization that a life which once seemed empty and devoid of meaning is now joyous and full. In my life today, daily prayer and meditation, coupled with living the Twelve Steps, has brought about an inner peace and feeling of belonging which was missing when I was drinking. Grate full today!

  3. Top of the morning brothers & sisters,
    “There is no pain or sorrow in sobriety that is as dark, cutting and relentless as in the bottom of my drinking.”
    ~ golden stuff! Smacked me right where I needed it: a Today reminder of my misery, His Mercy.
    ~ I’m not what I did; I’m what I do.
    Pain is a great motivator. We trudgers can take a lot of mega pain. That cutting pain was who I was. The relentless scope of isolation was who I was. And if a close friend or loved one ask me how I was feeling, I would normally reply with, “couldn’t be better”. I was sporting so many masks that I didn’t know what truth or fiction was.
    Was I willing/motivated to self-examination? Could I cross the line of denial/self? Wasn’t AA the last house on the block?!?! What if this program doesn’t work out; now what? Alcoholics don’t shoot their feet, the pain isn’t there. I believe that Divine Mercy allowed me to get as miserable as I wanted. Today, that’s a golden place to surrender. I’m done, do what You want with me. I’m so tired, I can’t go on. At that exact movement, I received the gift of desperation. Today, that robe of self/denial must be removed; if I really want to reveal who I am. Divine Mercy removes the old and graces me with the new virtues for successful living. God’s plan for me is perfect; all I have to do is quit interring with it. LOL!

    Today, just for today, is a good day to have a good day.

  4. What a chillingly, well drawn picture of emotional distress, Bonnie’s opening provides.
    We who have been there now understand what is meant by the words “…this is a program designed for rough going…”
    Then the beautiful, affirming thoughts that follow…the spreading of light and, yes, love and hope in the darkness and loneliness.
    And just who may be watching,from just outside the glow, hope fighting self, to join this wee Band of Brothers and Sisters, united in their common desire to stop drinking?
    Grateful for the Gift

  5. You all said it so well. Your struggles give me strength and reaffirm what the 164 pages of the BB say to me. I remember my bottoms like they were yesterday and the desperation I felt.
    Your growth inspires me to continue the trudge no matter what. I’m coming up on 6 years and this time it’s truly for me. What a great journey we’re on!
    Love you all.

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