(AWESOME shares today everyone. Thank you for your prayers, and suggestions! Day 2, a DAY at a time…and I’m NOT taking this lightly. This disease KILLS! So, let’s play nice here friends! HUGS to all)
These two radical sentences from page 86 of the Big Book were the most surprising and reassuring statements I had encountered in AA. Yet they seemed lovely on paper, but very impractical for such a busy person as I. Those who relax and take it easy watch daytime television in a Lazy Boy. They don’t fold their underwear. They don’t tear their lettuce into bite sized pieces. The two sentences refer to our response to confusion and uncertainty. After pausing and checking in with our Higher Power, we are told we can then kick back and chill. It took a very long time for me to accept this attitude as responsible and sensible. Surely anyone who would be desperate enough to pray for guidance on a dilemma would not then follow with a crossword puzzle. All my life I approached any challenge with full force of effort. I only knew “off” or “full throttle.” All the cliches about work, play, gain and pain were my mottos. Because of that I often “hit the wall” and experienced every form of burnout, but allowed myself to indulge in those states, having knocked myself out to get there. Up, down, race, crash, I was a motocross bike. To change this dramatic cycle of frenzy and collapse to a steady, predictable, measured and even pace of effort was completely disorienting. It felt like someone else’s life, like a piece of my brain and personality had been severed away, leaving me without some vital driving energy I used to have. I felt weak, slow, ineffectual, and mostly, apathetic. I had never known caring in the absence of crisis. I would like to say that I have completely changed and that I am no longer obsessive, high strung, and perpetually worried. But that would be lying. I am still a mess in many ways. But at least I can sit still, for a little while, at least. A reason to give thanks.